fitness – The Fasting Life

Post-Lockdown Progress Update

The other day, a fellow fast-er and low carb friend sent me a message, dryly reflecting on how many posts there’d been in our facebook group about people falling off the wagon lately. She then asked, “So how hard did you fall off?”

And my answer was, “… I didn’t?”

**Disclaimer: This is going to be a long post. I sort of forgot about this blog, and some rather large things have happened since my last post on January 19th. Brace yourselves!

So, COVID-19 came along and turned the world on its head. I’m definitely one of the lucky ones – I got to keep my job and choose out my own project to work on while it was going on. And while things all around me (and everyone else) have been chaotic, so many things changing and closing, from a strictly work-related standpoint, things have honestly been pretty great.

At the beginning of the lockdown, I found myself very suddenly without the very rigid schedule I’m using to following at the museum where I work. I’ve never minded that structure – if anything, it’s played right into the strictness of my fasting routine and even reinforced it. Finding myself wholly without impositions on my schedule apart from texting my supervisor every day at 8:30am and 4:30pm, I was left to organize my days any way I wanted. I knew from the start that I would need to keep to my regular fasting schedule to maintain any semblance of mental and physical health during this. For me personally, the work-from-home thing started as “two weeks and then we’ll see”. That quickly got extended to a full month, then two, and now three. My teammates and I go back to the museum next week, so here at the end of Week 12 of lockdown, I thought I would share a few reflections about how it’s been.

selfie - keep calm — I still drank allll the tea!

At the beginning, as someone who lives alone, I felt almost as though the universe was going out of its way to underscore the fact of my solitariness. I wondered how long I would be forced to be alone – which I love being, but I also love being with other people, in a good balance. I think I felt every feeling that it’s possible to feel that week. I fasted. I watched my social media feeds fill with people panicking about toilet paper shortages and joking that they’d already eaten all of their snacks. The gym in my building announced it was closing the first day of that week. Having once had to stop working out for a full three weeks back in November when I had shingles, I really didn’t want to experience that again. There’s a whole story behind the fact that the 35-lb free weights are basically mine (seriously, no one else ever uses them, and they only replaced them after months of me nagging when someone stole the 35’s during my shingles absence)… so I popped by the gym and, um, borrowed them. I mean, I will give them back when the gym reopens! I really will! Meanwhile, here they are.

the 35's

Floor lifting — They’re so much heavier to lift from the floor than from the weight bench, for the record!

I thought about cardio next and how to replace my beloved elliptical and my HIIT cardio workouts. HIIT = high intensity interval training, wherein you attempt to jack your heart rate up to close to its maximum for a short while (30 seconds to 2 minutes is the norm), then take a rest period of equal or longer time. It occurred to me that I live on the 17^th floor of an 18-storey high rise that has stairwells. I came up with a plan. It went like this:

jog down to the 2^nd floor in the slightly-less-dodgy stairwell (has windows and only goes down to the 2^nd floor, aka no street-level access)
sprint up to the 5^th floor, then sprint down the length of the hallway and back
walk the length of the hallway and back for the rest portion
sprint up to the 8^th floor, then sprint the hallway
walk the length of the 8^th and back
sprint up to the 11^th, sprint the hallway, then walk it
sprint up to the 15^th, sprint the hallway, then walk it
sprint up to the 18^th, sprint the hallway
instead of walking it, jog back down to the 10^th
sprint up to the 14^th, sprint the hallway, then walk it
sprint up to the 17^th, sprint the hallway, then walk it, stopping in front of my own door, where I had pre-placed a Lysol wipe to clean the hand that touched all of those hallway doorknobs

It was a Process! But it was working pretty well… until the morning when I encountered meth users directly on the other side of the 17^th floor doorway at 7:30am on a Friday morning. I noped right out of there, went back to my apartment, and did a cardio circuit HIIT workout instead. Speaking of which… I had only just recently discovered this: a HIIT routine based on a mix of straight-up cardio and bodyweight exercises. I saw it in a Livestrong article and misread the instructions, which were to do 10 different exercises for 30 seconds each, then repeat the entire routine. I thought it said to repeat the whole thing for a total of three rounds. The routine went: squats, 10-second squat holds, jumping jacks, burpees, lunges, curtsey lunges, push-ups, mountain climbers, sit-ups, and Russian twists. I didn’t know what some of them were and had to google. I had, at that point, done maybe a grand total of 8 (???) real push-ups in my whole entire life to date, like without my knees on the floor. I discovered to my delight that, at that point, I could do about 15 of them in 30 seconds. So in total, I went from maybe 8 cumulative, to 45 in one day.

I was in pain for four straight days after. Haha.

Quarantine went on. Two weeks became a month. Then two months. I took up running (HIIT sprints) outside once the weather became warm enough. Running is something I have never been able to do, so this was a particular accomplishment! I kept fasting. I resolutely admired, but ignored the 200 photos of sourdough loaves every human I know was posting on social media. I perfected keto meatballs and tried out an almond flour bread eventually.

Psyllium husk powder = purple bread

It actually made a quite decent grilled cheese!

I kept working out. Missing my daily 10-12 km of walking at the museum, I took to walking outside for the pure sake of walking, which is something I had never enjoyed. I would walk long distances to get somewhere, but never just for its own sake. I developed a vastly more intimate knowledge of downtown Winnipeg. I walked in snow boots, then runners, sometimes rain boots, then sandals, as the seasons changed. I watched the snow turn dirty, then melt, saw the mud and the puddles form and then clear, watched the grass beneath them dry and turn green. Eventually, finally, the trees budded and then exploded into leaf and blossom. The coming of spring is something I witnessed in vastly more detail this year than in any year before in all forty years of my life so far. It’s never felt like more of a miracle than this year.

Meanwhile, I wondered if the temptation of being at home with the unusual and unexpected leisure of time to cook – something I love doing – would pull me from my discipline or even right off the wagon. I wondered whether I would gain back the “quarantine fifteen” social media was joking about. What I did notice was that, while I wasn’t actively losing weight anymore, I wasn’t gaining any size. I was steadily maintaining a workout ratio of 5/7 days – three cardio workouts (most weeks that’s been two of the cardio/bodyweight routines and one HIIT sprint) and two weight training sessions. I’ve walked anywhere from 3-9 km per day, depending. If anything, the scale has basically stayed the same, but I’ve gotten denser and more muscular as my body has adjusted to now regularly to using new muscle groups and doing things like 55-60 push-ups in a single day, how to actually do burpees properly, and how to do mountain climbers without actual death occurring. I’ve had to remind myself yet again that this journey has never been about the number on the scale – it’s been about gaining more and better health, and I’ve done that. I’m still doing it. There will never be a day that comes and I say, “Okay, I think that’s good enough. Let’s just let everything slide now.” The world and my own life have been in a state of emergency since the pandemic hit, and the main thing for everyone has been just to get through it. To survive it, whether in a very literal sense, but also in the very real sense of mental health. It’s been a very isolated time. And yet, I’ve discovered just how much of an introvert I really can be, how content it turns out I am to be at home, alone, doing my own thing. That I really, really am disciplined, even when there’s no one to witness it apart from my own sense of integrity. I have no idea where this discipline came from, but I feel grateful to have it, and to have been able to keep it during the past few months. I’m still working at my body, at my health, and every last part of it is an act of self-love.

For a reminder, this is how I looked when I first started this in January 2018:

Conducting the cathedral choir in Québec City, ca late 2017

This is me now. Last gym selfie before lockdown started, and all the rest have been taken in isolation:

I would say that I’ve not only survived this three months, but thrived.

Lilacs

It’s been twelve long weeks, but the journey continues. I hope you’ve all been surviving and thriving, too. ❤

I’ve lost half of myself…

… which is to say that I’ve lost half my original body weight now!

It’s not a particularly special number, but kind of a cool milestone to note, so I thought I might! Plus, it’s been awhile since I last wrote a post, so I thought I was due for a check in. If you like the numbers talk, then here it is: when I started losing weight, I was 335 lbs. As of yesterday morning, I weigh 167 lbs, with a projected 17 lbs to go. Or so: we’ll see what things are like when I get there! It was never about the number itself; that was just a way of tracking things.

In the past few months, a lot of people have been asking me whether or not I’m “done” yet (and we’ll come back to that one in my next post!), and when I say no, that I’m still actively losing weight, they’ve frequently asked me why. At that point I generally shrug and say something like “I’m not at my goal yet” or something along those lines. To be clear, I never mind discussing this with anyone, as long as their interest isn’t malicious. It usually isn’t, and I’m all for helping people understand how weight, metabolism, hormones, and food are all connected. That said, in these conversations about whether and why I’m still going, people often say “but you look great!”, as though that should be enough reason for me to decide that my current weight is fine. I appreciate the sentiment, but how I look isn’t the main point here.

It’s definitely a big perk. I’m a whole lot happier with the way I look than I was before I started, and I wasn’t wallowing in self-hate even then. What I’m even happier with, and what matters more to me, is how I feel. What things have become either more possible, or vastly more enjoyable. I was always active, but I didn’t enjoy it the way I do now. I always walked a lot, though nowhere near as much as I do now, and it takes me a whole lot less effort than it did before, even if I didn’t notice it per se. I was always health-conscious in the way I ate, but I didn’t understand as much about nutrition as I do now. People who haven’t been overweight don’t realize how much more difficult it is to be active when you’re literally carrying the weight of another adult around with you. I took the joint pain, constant fatigue, limb chafing, overheating, all of it, for granted. I didn’t actively realize that they were things that don’t necessarily come with life, that not everyone experiences when they walk, run, swim, hike, etc. And beyond this, I just feel better in every possible way. My moods are better. My skin is better. I sleep better. I feel more alive. It’s amazing.

Taking a step back to reflect a bit, it does feel amazing to think that I’ve literally lost half my original weight. The weight of another other human adult. That’s pretty cool. 🙂

Taken at my bestie’s wedding two weeks ago:

Sandra - N&B wedding 1

The problem with cheating

To start with a rider, I rarely call it “cheating” in the first place. I call it things like “off-plan eating”, or “planned indulgences”, with the idea being that said indulgences are planned for in advance, and balanced with compensatory fasts. That they don’t happen too often. That making allowances is a normal part of life, that no one can live in a constant state of self-denial, that it’s a sure way to falling off the wagon, etc etc etc. Right. Yes. All of that. I stand by it. Planned indulgences are important. However, that said:

The problem with cheating isn’t the cheating itself. The problem with cheating is that it’s addictive. The mindset of it is addictive. In my fasting groups and keto groups and fat-adapted athletics groups and fasting-adapted athletics groups, people all say the same thing: they took a break, be it one meal, one day, one week of vacation, and now they can’t seem to get back on track again. I’ve been there myself: a planned three days off over Christmas, a celebration here or there, carefully planned for and pre-compensated for, and yet the instant you leave your plan, the problems start.

There are the physical issues of sugar/carb addiction and insulin resistance cropping up again, the awful-feeling switch of going back to burning (eaten) sugars for energy rather than burning your own stored body fat, the sluggish workouts/brain power/overall energy that come with it, etc, but that isn’t even the dangerous part. The dangerous part is that you almost immediately start thinking, “Oh, I’m a person who does (this) now.”

Oh, I’m a person who just eats whenever now.

Oh, I’m a person who eats cake now.

Oh, I’m a person who doesn’t fast.

Oh, I’m a person who doesn’t work out anymore.

Oh, I’m a person who… and it goes on. It sounds a bit ridiculous, but it’s true. The instant you start breaking habits, it’s so easy to start thinking that not having followed it once will mean never following it again. Cheating is what’s most addictive. It’s not that eating off your plan once is going to sabotage your entire lifestyle. It’s not that skipping the gym means that you’ll never run/lift/whatever again. But the tendency has started, and it’s the tendency that’s scary.

With the “classic” addictions of drugs and alcohol, we have to cut the supply off completely. With food-related addictions and active lifestyle changes, it’s not that it’s harder, but we have to learn to engage with our behaviours in a new way. We don’t just stop eating completely: we learn to do it in a new way, a moderate (and moderated) way. Moderation is harder than denial, as I frequently tell my clients and friends that I’ve talked through this change. Every time I skip working out in the morning, I worry almost obsessively that it’s the beginning of the end, that I’ll never work out again, because I’ve fallen off that particular wagon before. With eating-related stuff, I don’t worry as much, partly because I seem to be a champion faster. But that dangerous thinking pattern starts every single time I take a short break from fasting or give myself leeway – I think, “oh, I just do this now”. And I can see from the groups I’m in or follow that I’m definitely not the only one.

So go ahead and give yourself the occasional indulgence. Just bear in mind that it’s not how you cheated, it’s *that* you cheated, and that’s the dangerous bit. One of the few rules I almost never break (maybe two exceptions in the past year and seven months?) is that a cheat can never be spontaneous. They happen – increasingly these days, as I get closer and closer to my goal (and with it, a bit complacent!) – but they’re always planned for, and that’s what allows me to stay in control of feeling exactly that: that I’m in control. It’s not a runaway team of horses or the end of the world: it was planned and will be balanced. I highly recommend it! Indulge, but plan for it and get right back into the swing of things afterward. No one can live in a state of constant self-denial. That’s where “diets” (perish the word) fail. Claim your chosen lifestyle, know that you won’t always be perfect, but fit your indulgences in with active oversight and planning.

Most importantly, though, don’t panic if you do slip up. That urge to just accept the idea that you’re a cheating cheater who failed their plan/lifestyle/whatever you call it and that you’re stuck being that way forever, is not true. Tomorrow is always a new day and a new chance to get right back into it. ❤

Just a wee update

It’s been a bit since I last posted, so I thought I’d put out a little update!

Things have been carrying on the same as usual, more or less, but I did pass another biggish milestone recently: I’ve now lost over 150 lbs! I live with whatever the current number is daily, so it’s easy to forget how big that actually is! Here’s a check-in on the state of things currently:

External body stuff: I’ve now lost 25 inches on my waist, 152 lbs, and now have things like a visible jaw line and collarbones. There are other little changes that crop up almost on a week-to-week basis that probably only I would notice. It’s constantly changing, but in good ways. Semi disorienting, but all part of the grand plan, so yay.

Clothes: At my biggest, I was wearing size 24 jeans; as I type this I’m wearing size 12 ones with a size medium shirt. I recently bought my sixth belt since the start of this, and my third new bra. I still have to wear speciality sizes in that department – my band size has changed by 8 sizes, but my cup size has only gone down by 2 sizes, lol. Sigh. I’ve replaced literally every single piece of my clothing that wasn’t socks. Every few months I suddenly realize that all of my underwear is now granny panties and have to replace it, too. It’s fun buying new clothes, but also exhausting and expensive to be constantly replacing them. Even my feet have gotten narrower. I’ve replaced the ring I wear on my left middle finger twice now. I’m looking forward to settling at my “final”-ish size and getting some clothes I can keep for longer than a couple of months.

Fitness: In earlier posts, especially on my old blog, I used to mention that everything physical has become easier – flexibility, endurance, anything cardio-based (stairs, hills, bolting after a departing bus, etc). I was always fairly active, and when I started out, my heart was in solidly good condition. Now, as opposed to things just being easier, I count a day wasted that I haven’t actively worked out. I just feel slow and sludgy, almost as though I didn’t shower or something. My job has changed, allowing me a lot more walking there, too. I’m currently averaging around 8 km/day, way up from my standard 3-4 km. I never, ever thought I would turn into one of those people who lives to sweat, but here we are. I alternate between high intensity interval cardio and weight lifting with a slice of cardio just to get the blood moving first. Fitness wear is my new financial drain hole, lol. I also bought a bike (plus a load of related gear) and am looking forward to it finally being warm enough to ride regularly!

Eating/fasting: On those few occasions where my social life doesn’t fit into my fasting schedule, it actively feels weird to be eating every day. When I indulge in the sweet stuff, I definitely want a lot less of it than I ever used to, and rather quickly find it too sweet. I find low carb eating honestly quite sustainable. And enjoyable! I eat well, when I’m eating. And I fast well when I’m fasting. My standard schedule of three 42-hour fasts per week is quite comfortable. It means I eat lunch and supper every other day; otherwise I’m fasting. I’ve stopped caring, being bothered by, or even noticing when other people are eating around me, at least 97% of the time. The other 3%, I can deal with. 😛 I’ve gotten really good at deciding what things make for worthwhile exceptions and which don’t. Some of the exceptions are things that I was missing while I was away from Winnipeg; other things I’ve found I really don’t care about at all, like potato chips. I’m unbelievably fond of certain vegetables now. I don’t even recognize myself sometimes, particularly when my eyes fall upon a zucchini in the fridge and light up with joy! 😂

I think that’s about it! I’m under 35 lbs from my end goal now, though I suppose I’ll see what things look like when I get there and act accordingly, but this is honestly a really happy way to be living and I’m very much enjoying this whole new lease on life!

Breaking free

Most of my blog posts, both here and over at my old blog, have focused on fasting and ketogenic eating. This time I’d like to talk about another aspect of healthy living: movement!

When I first embarked on this process of changing my lifestyle and claiming my health, I understood that it was going to be, if my efforts worked, life-changing. What I didn’t know then was exactly how life-changing it would be!

Early on in that process, I came across a photo of this sculpture (edited to add, courtesy of Michael McKay): by Gabriel D’Orazio:

free yourself

It’s been criticized here and there, but for me it hit home in a very poignant way. For years, what I saw on the outside didn’t match my inner view of myself at all. I’ve always been a hard worker, intelligent, driven, highly competent, and I’ve also always been rather active. I’ve been a regular walker and semi-regular lap swimmer. I’ve played various sports, even voluntarily (lol) and enjoyed it.

Here’s the secret no one ever tells you when you’re overweight: it’s so much easier to be active when you’re not. It’s easy for a fit person to tell someone heavy to “just” take the stairs or walk more. I always did – but I’m constantly amazed to find not only how much easier it it now, but how much more I enjoy it – and I always did enjoy being active!

The sculpture above struck me because it felt very much like the thing I’d always yearned to be able to do: free myself from a body that didn’t always serve me the way I wished it would, in favour of revealing what I felt was a truer form of my physical self. Interestingly, beyond just having more physical energy now – particularly when I’m fasting! – I also find that this same energy has spread into enthusiasm for other, non-physical arenas of life. I have no idea how or why, but I like it. I find myself feeling more open-minded about trying new things, more gung-ho about everything from my work to areas of my personal life. And when it comes to fitness, I barely recognize myself.

In the past six weeks, I’ve suddenly, overnight, become a gym person?? It’s bizarre, truly. There’s a small gym in my building which I’m frequently the only person using (whoo!), so I now use it regularly, almost daily, either for cardio or weight training. I managed to catch the last good day for cross-country skiing the weekend before last, and find myself looking for active things to do outside that are possible in our current, transitional winter-to-spring mess. I want to get a bike! And maybe some rollerblades! (Who AM I?!)

I’ve spent a lot of time in the past year and two months feeling so much more awake and more alive than I ever felt before. I attribute this very much to the constant fog that people typically recognize as having come from a diet of too much sugar/carbs. Now that I’m out of the fog, I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot, just due to having been too low energy, lethargic, and depressed (sugar is a known depressant). What might I have felt more enthusiastic about tackling, had I only had the energy or the enthusiasm for it?

Either way, I’m making up for lost time now! I feel like I’m breaking free at last, beginning to not only resemble the person I always saw myself as on the inside, but also the one I always wished I felt like on the outside. It’s pretty amazing!